Can I Get Over OCD If No One Knows I Have It?

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Speaking it out loud takes away its power?” I’ve always really liked this statement, and I believe it to be true. Sometimes we keep things buried so deep inside of ourselves that they can build a home in us.

If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), this can end up happening with your intrusive thoughts. The shame or guilt we might feel about our thoughts can cause us to let them fester and nest inside of our minds, instead of opening up about what we’re going through and taking steps to get help.

When we finally put our thoughts and experience into words, however, we can gain a more helpful perspective on them. Guilt and shame can be extinguished when we release what OCD tells us must be kept to ourselves. We just need to learn how to do that.

How shame keeps us suffering in silence

Many people with OCD can recall being children or teenagers and having intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that they were scared to tell anyone about. The guilt and shame of these experiences has left many scarred and feeling isolated in their suffering.

When I first began to have really “bad” thoughts, as I called them, I internalized them. I truly believed that they were real and that they held meaning. At the time, I was only a young child, so it made sense to me that “bad” thoughts equaled “bad” person, but it can even be difficult for adults to separate their thoughts and feelings from the truth.

I genuinely believed that if I shared my thoughts with anyone, even someone who cared deeply for me, I would be hospitalized (a common fear for many people who experience intrusive thoughts). At the time I was struggling with this concern, being psychiatrically hospitalized had such a negative connotation for me. I worried about being psychotic or losing my mind, even though I had no grasp of what those terms even meant.

Of course now that I’m older, I realize that this fear was built on many false beliefs and narratives I had taken in. But back then, it was beyond terrifying. I vowed to never tell anyone my deepest and darkest fears—that is, until they finally became too overwhelming.

Before that point I spent so much time in a state of worry and absolute panic, feelings that would have been much less overwhelming had I let a trusted loved one in. If I had only opened my mouth and released the words, the confusion, and the hurt of my experience with OCD, perhaps a great deal less suffering would have occurred in my lifetime. I suspect the same holds true for many who’ve wrestled with this complex and, at times, confusing illness.

The deeper fears behind our shame

So why didn’t I just talk about what I was going through? The answer to that question shifted throughout the years, depending on which obsessions OCD was plaguing me with at the time. Usually, my silence was driven by deeper fears: abandonment by those who were supposed to love me, being forever inadequate and damaged, living alone because I had been cast away from society, or—perhaps most frightening of all—losing control of my mind and, in the process, losing myself.

What if I couldn’t separate reality from this condition that engrossed so much of my life? This was, for me, what is sometimes referred to in OCD treatment as a core fear, and it was usually at the foundation of my silence.

But within that deep fear was the key to feeling better. I needed to voice my suffering. The hard stuff, the disgusting stuff, the thoughts that made me sick to my stomach—all of it needed to be said, out loud. It was the only way that I could ever truly show OCD that it wasn’t in control.

In order to stop giving the thoughts power over my life, I needed to accept the uncertainty that came along with them. I had to allow possibilities that scared me to exist. Maybe I was bad, maybe people would think awful things about me, and maybe I would even lose my mind and not know the difference between who I was and who OCD said I was. This was difficult at first, but when I finally spoke up, I found that none of the awful things I imagined came true.

Lessons from the road to recovery

As I’ve gotten older and become more seasoned in my recovery process, I’ve come to realize that the more I talk about something, the less anxious I feel about it. For so many years, my experience with OCD seemed shameful and far too embarrassing to mention. I couldn’t even think about speaking of anything related to OCD—and yet, I envied those who could. They helped me so much when I thought no one could possibly understand my torment.

At the same time, I also thought the reason these individuals were able to be so open about their OCD might be because they were somehow “different” than me, or stronger in some way. Even though I could clearly see that they had the same condition I did, I didn’t see them as “bad.” I could see in them what OCD tried to keep me from seeing in myself.

In hindsight, I’m able to see my battle with OCD much more clearly. While I can’t change the past, I can share what I’ve learned from my experience in the hope that it might help someone else.

First, I think it’s important to recognize the difference between seeking reassurance and asking for support. As a child, I needed some reassurance. I needed to know that I wasn’t evil or bad, that I wasn’t a monster, and that I wasn’t going to be “put away for life.” I needed someone to help me sort out this peculiar disorder and make sense of what was happening to me.

I also needed support, and action to be taken that would help make my OCD more manageable. Truthfully, my parents needed to talk to a professional, as they had no experience dealing with OCD. But they had no idea what I was going through. And how could they? I refused to say it out loud, so they couldn’t possibly help me. This also meant that they couldn’t find help and support for themselves. It was a chain reaction in which we all were left powerless and stuck in the grip of OCD.

Maybe, just maybe, had I opened up much sooner, we could have found an OCD specialist and I could have gotten effective treatment earlier. I can’t know for sure, but what I do know is that if I’d asked for help, my experience could have been given a name sooner, and I could have separated who I was from this condition much earlier.

That is the power of reaching out to someone and letting them in on what you’re going through. No matter how difficult it may seem, I can almost promise you that it will be far more challenging to continue to live in silence and fear with untreated OCD. Whatever OCD has tried to take away from you, therapy can help you gain it back.

How talking about OCD can help you conquer it

In this case, the therapy I’m referring to is exposure and response prevention (ERP), as it’s considered the gold-standard treatment for OCD. In ERP therapy, we learn to allow the anxiety and distress that unwanted thoughts cause us to exist, without engaging in compulsions in an attempt to make these uncomfortable emotions lessen or go away. During ERP, you may hear the terms “sit with it” and “ride the wave” often. These are excellent reminders of how we should respond (or not respond) to these thoughts when we have OCD.

Along with changing your response to unwanted thoughts, ERP therapy can also help you learn that there is a time and place for exposing yourself to feared thoughts by speaking them outwardly. Sometimes, when we don’t talk about the obsessions, they can become more powerful in our minds and seem more “realistic”—so when we break our silence, these thoughts can lose their strength.

During ERP therapy, there might be times when you’re asked to allow thoughts to exist and essentially do nothing about them. On the other hand, there might also be times when you’re asked to address thoughts in some way, usually through exposures. An exposure to help you manage distressing thoughts might involve your therapist asking you to write down the words or thoughts on paper and read them out loud, or to tell a narrative about the unwanted thoughts over and over again.

To some, this may seem confusing and even contradictory, but there’s a reason your therapist is asking you to do this. An OCD specialist knows the deep feelings of shame that can go hand-in-hand with intrusive thoughts, and recognizes the power of saying things out loud in helping to dissipate this shame. They want to teach you how to face these feelings so that they won’t have such a stronghold on your life anymore. They know that to shrink OCD, they need to show you that you can refuse to give it meaning and power.

Finding an OCD specialist

When you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in OCD, it’s important to make sure that they’ve received the necessary training to fully understand the condition—as without it, they may misunderstand certain symptoms of OCD, use treatments that aren’t recommended for OCD, and potentially provide an incorrect diagnosis.

At NOCD, every therapist is a qualified OCD specialist who can accurately identify and effectively treat OCD. NOCD Therapists complete rigorous training in OCD and ERP therapy before seeing our members, and receive ongoing training and support from leading OCD experts to ensure they’re always delivering a world-class treatment experience.

If you or someone you know are in need of OCD treatment, please don’t hesitate to book a free 15-minute call with our team. On your call, we can answer any questions you may have and help match you with a licensed OCD specialist. We’re always here for you, and it is our goal and our privilege to help you in any way we can.