How OCD Has Impacted My Identity

Where do we draw the line between who we are and the mental health conditions that can shape our thoughts and feelings? How can we know what comes from our true selves? In my years working as a therapist specializing in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I’ve seen many people try to find their own answers to these questions.

I’ve even grappled with them myself during the years I spent struggling with untreated OCD. I suspect that people with other mental health conditions may have the same questions, the same desire to know how much is their personality and how much is the disorder. The truth is that human beings are very complex and, because of that complexity, there is no clear-cut, one-size-fits-all answer.

Instead of wondering where the OCD ended and I began, I’ve found it more helpful to change my perspective. I’ve come to realize that there is some overlap between our identities and the things we struggle with—and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

How OCD can make you question your identity

Our identities are the foundation of many of our beliefs about the world around us. From the time we are born, we begin a journey to finding ourselves by defining who we are and what we value. The ways our experiences shape our self-perception over the years can have drastic effects on our self-esteem, our social skills, our relationships, and how we move through the world.

Some people seem to reach a level of stability and security in who they are without much trouble. They know what they value, they pursue what they value, and when thoughts or feelings arise that conflict with their values, they are able to brush them off without much effort, knowing that they have no ulterior meaning or motive. They do not doubt their identity.

For people with OCD, this isn’t always the case. OCD can complicate the process of self-discovery and establishing your identity by bombarding you with constant, relentless, doubt. The most seemingly-basic questions—“Who am I? What do I believe in? Am I good? Am I honest?”—can become sources of confusion for someone with OCD. And it makes sense, given that OCD can change how you see yourself. 

Another aspect of OCD that can play a role in making someone question their identity is distress intolerance, or the way some people with OCD can find it difficult to tolerate feelings of discomfort or anxiety. The uncertainty that comes with questioning your identity can be a major source of distress. Faced with these doubts, someone with OCD may turn to compulsions to feel “sure enough,” only to find their doubts returning—and the OCD cycle continuing.

How mental health stigma can play a role

Though our understanding of mental health issues has improved over the years, the negative connotations that some people still associate with having a mental health condition or seeking care for one remain a major issue, and can definitely affect the self-perception of someone struggling with OCD.

Those of us who have suffered from OCD for long periods may still carry the baggage of hearing negative messages about our struggles for years, or struggle with the misunderstandings of mental health that were once commonplace.

If you come from an environment where you were taught to see a mental health condition as a sign of weakness or something that made you dangerous, or taught to see the act of seeking mental health care as a failure, you may have internalized some of these beliefs. Beliefs like these can hold people back from seeking treatment for OCD, even when they desperately need it.

On top of that, it’s also common for people with OCD to believe that their intrusive, unwanted thoughts must mean something about who they are as a person. They may also believe that thinking about a certain action is just as bad as doing it, or makes them more likely to do it. This is referred to as thought-action fusion.

Imagine not only having distressing intrusive thoughts but then also growing up in an environment where it isn’t safe to admit that you’re struggling. The stigma around mental health conditions, and around OCD specifically, can intensify the doubts that someone with OCD may already be struggling with.

My personal experience

As a child struggling with what I now know was OCD, I can look back and see how my choices, my beliefs, and my life were shaped by this illness that I didn’t even realize I had at the time. It was—and still can be—difficult to draw the line between where I end and OCD begins, and to determine who I am apart from this condition. It has had that much of an influence on my development as a person.

For years, OCD made me believe I was weird, bad, and defective. The deep shame OCD created within me only grew as the years went by. The thoughts I experienced seemed so awful, I believed that surely something had to be wrong with me. After all, other people didn’t seem to be bothered by the same things that I was.

My mind began filling in the blanks. Was I crazy? Did I even know what that meant? I knew what I had heard it meant, and recalled terrifying stories about people being sent away because of problems with their mental health. I believed that if people knew what was going on in my mind, I would surely be sent away, too.

Years of thinking that I wasn’t good enough, that I was damaged, and that I was truly an outcast led me to act as if these things were true at times. I remember isolating myself from others, believing that no one liked me, that no one could like me. What I didn’t realize at the time is that these thoughts were never my identity; they were OCD trying to silence my true self.

In many ways, now, in my forties, I am still piecing together who I am outside of OCD. This process involves unraveling layers and layers of long-held assumptions and doubts, and trying to sort through what is real versus what is a lie that OCD tried to convince me of. While my struggle with OCD might be a part of my identity, I know it isn’t my entire identity—and through it, I’ve come to realize just how strong I can be.

Finding your identity outside of OCD

I firmly believe that we are all capable of reconnecting with who we are outside of OCD and letting go of the shame and guilt it may have tried to burden us with. That said, I also recognize that there can be moments where your struggles with OCD seem insurmountable and you may find yourself questioning your strength. There was a time when I felt the same way, so I know how hard it can be.

But things didn’t stay like that forever. When I accepted that I needed help and found effective treatment for my OCD, it was life-altering.

Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy taught me how to fight back against OCD. ERP is a form of therapy designed to break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions, helping OCD lose its power over time. Decades of clinical research have shown it to be the most effective treatment.

In ERP, I learned that my intrusive thoughts didn’t say anything about the type of person I am, and that I could accept their presence and allow them to pass without having to do compulsions. Over time, those thoughts lost their power. 

At NOCD, all therapists specialize in OCD and receive ERP-specific training from some of the top OCD experts and researchers in the world. In ERP with NOCD, your therapist will create a personalized treatment plan and help you learn ways to manage your OCD symptoms in the long term.

To prevent cost from being a barrier to accessing treatment, NOCD offers affordable options and partners with many insurance plans. You can learn more about NOCD Therapy by scheduling a free call with our team.